Lights, Camera, Action!
by natalily
Summary: The Cahill family meets again. This time, however, not at a family reunion. Instead, at the first episode of a new variety show starring the clue hunters. And behind all the fanfiction, speculations, and daydreams about the cast, lies the real drama - and the humor and romance that comes along with it. Amian/Iamy, Natan, and minor Hamead and Joellie.
1. Bye Bye, Summer Vacation

**Hi, this is Natalie, and this is my first fanfic. Before this, I was just one of those silent readers...Anyway, I was just daydreaming as usual when BAM! I came up with the plot for this. So yeah, thanks for reading! :)**

 **By the way these are their ages:**

 **Dan, Natalie, Reagan, and Madison: 13**

 **Amy, Ian, and Hamilton: 15**

 **Sinead, Ned, and Ted: 16**

 **Jonah: 19**

 **Nellie: 21**

 **Me: Ok, who wants to do the disclaimer?**

 **Me: No one? Ok then, I'll do it.**

 **Me: I verify that I DO own the 39 clues. *snickers***

 **Dan: No you don't!**

 **Me: Yes I do…**

 **Dan: You wish. Dream on.**

 **Me: Fine…I do not own the 39 clues. The second one is true. I don't own it, so please don't sue….**

 _Splash! Splat!_

Amy sighed as her thirteen-year-old brother, Dan, crawled out of the pool and plopped onto the beach chair next to her. She was immediately showered with a cascade of water droplets.

After they had won the clue hunt, Amy and Dan had been adopted by Fiske and Nellie. Fiske had hired some construction workers to rebuild Grace's mansion. Which was how Amy and her brother were now enjoying their summer in Grace's humongous backyard.

"Dan!" Amy scolded. "What did I tell you about showering me with pool water?"

"That…you like it?" Dan smiled innocently. "I thought the chlorine would be good for your skin, so I brought some up with me and gave you a free shower."

Amy sighed again. "You're hopeless."

The green-eyed boy made a sad face. "Oh, I am deeply hurt, my dear sister. I would like to think that my family supports me and my personal interests." He pretended to cry.

Amy raised her eyebrows. "Since when did you use such good vocabulary?"

Her brother snorted. "Since never."

"But you just did!"

" _That's_ good vocabulary?" Dan acted shocked. "I'm pretty sure even the Cobras can manage to talk like that!"

"Kabras," Amy corrected.

"You only call them that because you like Ian." Dan smirked as he saw a blush starting on his sister's face.

"I-I-I don't like Ian!" Amy stuttered. She mentally cursed.

" _Really?_ "

"Y-yes!"

" _I don't believe_ _you_ – " Dan stopped immediately when he spotted a small black camera perched on the trunk of a palm tree in the corner of the yard.

Out of the corner of his mouth, he whispered, "Amy, we're being monitored."

Amy glanced around. After she, too, had spotted the camera, she whispered back, "Let's go inside and tell Nellie and Fiske."

But instead of them going to find Fiske, Fiske found them.

"AAAAHHH!" He screamed as he ran away from Saladin, their Egyptian Mau, who was hissing (probably from a lack of red snapper). Arms flailing, Fiske finally made it away from the cat, and stopped to rest on a beach chair next to Dan's.

"Why…so…quiet?" He panted.

Dan put a finger to his lips. _Cameras_ , he mouthed.

"Oh…I see," Fiske said, catching his breath. "Yeah."

"'Yeah'? Someone out there can see our every move right now!" Dan whisper-yelled.

"Ahh, yes. It's fine. It's probably for the variety show." Fiske said calmly.

" _Variety show?"_ Amy and Dan yelled at the same time, not even bothering to whisper.

"Yes, yes. Calm down, children."

"But-but-but…what about our summer vacation?"

"How the heck did you get us on a variety show?"

"Yeah, what about our summer vacation?"

"Ooooh, are we famous now?"

"How much money will we earn?"

"Calm. Down. Please," Fiske said helplessly. "Maybe it would be better to discuss this inside. We wouldn't want our neighbors to know."

After making their way to the dining room (and after Dan grabbed a bag of Doritos), Fiske motioned for them to sit.

"So. The variety show," Amy said.

"Yes. The variety show," Fiske repeated. "It's called Showdown 24. The producer is Miss Amelia Johnson. You will be part of the main cast of the show, along with…"

"Along with who?" Dan asked, curious.

"I'm sorry, children." Fiske looked down.

"Why are you – " Amy started.

"You will be starring along with the Kabras," Fiske interrupted. "Ian and Natalie Kabra."

The room was dead silent for a moment.

As if to make the situation even worse, Fiske added, "And…"

"The rest of the clue hunters."

 **Woooo! I did my first-ever chapter! Yay! Please review and comment on how it was!**

 **Hope you liked it!**

 **\- Natalie**


	2. Party Prep

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 39 clues.**

"No, you're doing it all wrong! NOOO!" Natalie Kabra howled.

"I'm sorry, Miss Kabra, but the tinsel just won't stick on," the maid, Joanna, explained.

"Whatever. Get superglue then! Use your brain!" the amber-eyed girl scowled.

 _Preparing for a party is so hard_ , Natalie thought. _I wish I could manage them effortlessly, like Mum – no, no, don't think about that…don't think about that…get a grip on yourself, Natalie…_

"How are the decorations going?" a female voice with a Russian accent interrupted her train of thought.

"Good, good…" Natalie replied.

"Ah, yes, as expected," Nataliya nodded in approval.

Nataliya had adopted Ian and Natalie after they had been disowned by Vikram. Today, Natalie was preparing for a party that some very important guests would attend. It would be hosted right here at Nataliya's mansion in Yekaterinburg, where Ian and Natalie now lived.

Natalie looked around. _This is…home._

"Natalie?"

The dark-haired girl jerked her head up.

"Yes?"

"Take note that there will be 12 guests in all. They will be eating dinner outdoors in the Dining Hall. Make sure that each of their places are set with the appropriate silverware and dining utensils, with a name card placed on the plate. Got it?"

"Yes," Natalie said. After Isabel had been sent to prison, Natalie had changed. A _lot_. Before, she had never said _yes_ to anyone – except for Isabel. But Nataliya had taken them in. She didn't exactly deserve to be answered with a _no_. As for a _maybe_ , Natalie didn't want to seem dumb – not that anyone thought she was.

"Good. Remember that the guests will arrive at 6 o' clock."

Natalie nodded numbly. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't hear Nataliya when she added in a quiet voice, "And, Natalie...the guests…they'll be the Cahills."

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An amber-eyed girl leaned back in the plush chair she was sitting in. It was, of course, pink.

"Miss Kabra, how about this one?" the maid, Joanna, held up a purple ruffled dress.

As soon as Natalie caught a glimpse of the dress, she scowled, and said, "What did I say, Joanna? Pink! Nothing except for that!"

She leaned back once again as Joanna scurried to choose another dress for Natalie to wear to the dinner meeting with the guests. Who were the Cahills. But, of course, Natalie didn't know that…yet. She would find out soon enough at 6 o' clock.

After Natalie was finished doing her makeup and hair (not by herself, of course, by professional makeup artists and hair stylists from France), she was ushered to her personal dressing room to try on the glittery pink dress that Joanna had picked out for her.

Natalie twirled, admiring how the glitter sparkled in the bright light.

Soon after, Joanna once again came up to her. She said, "Miss Kabra, the guests are here. Miss Radova told me to relay to you that you should greet the guests in the main hall, and then lead them to the dining area."

Natalie nodded coolly. "Tell Nataliya that I will do so."

After taking one last glance in the mirror, Natalie made her way toward the dining hall. What – or rather, who – she saw at the entrance caused her to let out an earsplitting scream.

 **Second chapter! Woohoo! I have a general idea on what the first episode of the variety show (Showdown 24) will be like, but I am not quite sure yet. Feel free to give suggestions on what the Cahills should do in the first and second episodes!**

 **\- Natalie**


	3. Nine Lives

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 39 Clues.**

Amy's POV

"Flight Landing at London City Airport," a voice announced over the intercom. "Time: 5:30 a.m. Welcome."

"Dan," I whispered, shaking my brother. He was slumped over the armrest of his seat, a bit of drool coming out of his mouth. Eh.

"Dan," I repeated, louder this time. "Dan."

"Wake up," I sighed. My brother slept like a rock. Unlike me. I, for one, had not slept a wink on our 11-hour flight. Well, 10 hours and 45 minutes. Actually…10 hours and 43 minutes. Ugh…

"DAN, WAKE UP," I whisper-yelled. "DAAAANNN."

After unsuccessfully attempting to wake up Dan (I had tried about 10 times, don't expect me to try any more), I decided to just drag him out of the airport without waking him up.

"Fiske, Nellie." I gently shook them by their shoulders from behind them – they were in the row in front of me and Dan.

"Mmm," Nellie muttered. "Hmmp."

Urgh. Why do I have to have couch potato – wait, no, _bed_ potato – actually, in _this_ case, _seat_ potato – family members? Well, technically Nellie wasn't a family member, but hey, she was about the closest thing to a mom we had ever gotten…

Um…a mom with dyed white-and-black hair and a nose ring. Yeah…that was more like it.

 _Mom…_ I thought. I shivered. I was suddenly overcome by a wave of nausea. _Mom…_

"…Amy?" Fiske said softly.

"Y-yes?"

"Um…are you…ah…okay?"

"Y-yes."

Fiske looked over at Dan. "Need help?"

"Oh…yes."

Uncle Fiske smiled. And was that…a hint of mischief in his smile? Huhuhu…

"I'll be back." Fiske said. I nodded in reply.

A moment later, Fiske came back with a…bottle of water. Hmm…

Oh. I smirked. I get it now.

In a flash, Fiske had dumped the contents of the water bottle on Dan's head. And in another flash, Dan had fully awaken and was screaming his head off.

"AAAAHHH!" He howled. "Get off me, Natalie Cobra!" His eyes were still closed.

Then, slowly, he opened them, revealing his jade green eyes, identical to mine, and realization dawned on his face.

"Oh," He said. "It was _you_ guys."

I smirked. "Oh yes. Dreaming of Natalie in your sleep?"

"I-I-I…urgh!" He frowned.

"Look who's stuttering now," I teased.

The only sound I heard from him was a "hmph." We exited the plane and the airport in silence. I could tell he was fuming because I had caught him off guard, and he had no reply to my comment.

So _this_ is what it feels like to prank other people. Now I understand why my brother does it.

Thinking of Dan's outburst about Natalie, I suddenly froze. I didn't sleeptalk about Ian, did I? I knew I still secretly liked him deep inside…

Oh no…Operation _Sneak On Dan's Phone and Delete His Blackmail Material_ is on.

 _Good luck, Amy,_ I thought.

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Dan's POV

We exited the airport in silence. I was still mad at Amy for that comment about Natalie. I mean, it's natural to fear that your enemy will creep up on you and dowse you in freezing, ice-cold water, right?

Especially if her name is Natalie Cobra and you're visiting in London for a variety show with *cough* our *cough* Cahill cousins *cough cough cough*.

"Alright guys, look for a sign that says Cahill on it, 'kay?" Nellie said when we entered the taxi and pick-people-up area.

"Sure – " Wait. A. Second. Does that mean that the Cobras are picking us up? NOOOOOO. My life has just been ruined.

"There!" My red-haired, nerdy, Cobra-obsessed sister pointed to a fancy sign that said, **_"_** ** _Cahill"_**.

I groaned. I had secretly been hoping that what I had thought about the Cobras wasn't true. Turns out it was. How unfortunate.

The man holding the sign was big and burly, with a black necktie and a bushy mustache. Definitely the Cobras' pawn. He reeked of that evil scent.

"Mister and Miss Cahill?" The man, who I now could see was wearing a black nametag with _John_ printed onto it, held out his hand to us as we approached him.

Amy nodded. I, on the other hand, glared at him. And, oh, by the way, what a nice name, so plain and boring: _John_. The Brits really know their names. And please, note my sarcasm.

John led us to a black limo. I almost let out a whoop of joy. GERONIMO! A _LIMO_! Wait…Geronimo was too old-fashioned. So…YOLO!

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm riding a limo! Uh-huh…

John took our suitcases and my backpack, then came back in like, a millisecond, and opened the door before I could. Amy peeked inside.

Aw, dang! I wanted to be the first to see the inside of a first-class limo! No fair. Hmph.

Well, I can still be second. So, before Fiske or Nellie could make a move, I wiggled past John and into the limo.

I glanced around. Wow!

Then, my eye caught the figure of a teenage boy sitting in shotgun. Aw…I wanted to sit there!

Wait…the figure looked familiar…I couldn't pick out where I knew him from, though…

Suddenly, he turned around, locking his amber eyes with my green ones.

"Having fun in London, dear cousin?" He smirked.

It was Ian Cobra.

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I think my life just got ruined a second time. At this rate, I would use up all nine of my lives by the time I leave London. Just…darn. I wish I were an ultra-cat. I think they have 18 lives?

Well, I can still borrow some from Saladin, right? I'll trade 10 pounds of red snapper for one life. Just one.

I looked out the window. The landscape was gray and gloomy. There were only two words needed to describe it: London Sucks.

It really does.

 **Hope you liked it! It was a bit hard writing in Dan's POV, but I managed! I just hope it sounds like Dan…I'm not awesomely humorous, wait, no, ninja-awesomely humorous like he is, of course. K, I'm just making no sense now. Natalie, OUT! *mic drop***


	4. Poison

**Hi guys, this is Natalie (as in, the author, not the character). So…here's the update! Sorry for keeping you guys waiting…I haven't had a lot of free time lately. But, no excuses, though! From now one, I will be replying to the reviewers (Yay! Thanks guys!) through the chapter (you know, right before the disclaimer). So, here are my replies:**

 **just a reader (Guest): Thanks so much! You motivated me to update! :) BTW, I say YEAH! a lot too.  
godgirl13: Thanks so much! :) :)  
Rival Argentica: Oh thanks! I'm so proud that you're going to write a Dan comedy fic because of this! :) I hope I'll be one of the first ones to read it! So excited for it :)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the 39 Clues.**

 **Enjoy, everyone! :)**

Dan's POV

London sucks. London sucks. LONDON SUCKS!

ARGH.

Um, right-o. Sorry for making you guys think I'm an uncivilized alien who can only say the two phrases: 'ARGH', and 'LONDON SUCKS'. Actually…I don't think 'ARGH' is a phrase. It's probably a common sound that people make when angry at their sister and a cobra who she loves for flirting in front of a certain someone called MYSELF. I have innocent eyes, people.

And about the 'uncivilized alien' part…well, Amy says I actually am one. But hey, I think that she was lying when she said that. People tend to be overly nice when complimenting their brother. It _was_ a compliment…right?

So…err…sorry, I'll start from the beginning. Well, the beginning of my amazingly fabulous day. Sarcasm, anyone? Um…yeah. Never mind. I sound like Natalie now.

Let's just say I was having a great day. Emphasis on _was_. After arriving at wonderful, dreary old London, and seeing my dork-iful sister start using the incredible form of verbal communication known as _stuttering_ , I had had just about enough of Amy and the Cobra's _memory recollection sharing time_. At least, that's what Ian called it. Amy called it _relative bonding time_. Nellie called it _personal time_. What did I call it? Well, _flirting time_ , duh.

"So, how do you like London, love?" Ian smiled evilly. His amber eyes glowed evilly. His ears flapped evilly. His nose sniffed the air evilly. Evilly, evilly, EVILLY!

Amy ignored all of the warning signals: CAUTION, EVIL COBRA BRAINWASHING IN ACTION! Instead of bolting out of the car (um…the very nice limo, even _I_ couldn't deny that) and running for her life like any sister of mine should, she _stuttered_ , "D-Don't call m-me love!"

Great. She needed more anti-stuttering lessons from the Ninja Master. Maybe I could get her to pay me ten dollars per hour for the lessons. Hmm…

Ian smirked. EVILLY (remember that if you want to live a long, peaceful life). He said, "Why not, love? Oh, and answer my question please… _love_."

Amy's face was the color of an overripe tomato. "D-Don't call me love!"

The cobra (wait…EVIL cobra) sighed dramatically. "Whatever you say, _honey_."

Now Amy looked like she was about to explode. Like, you know, in those action movies: tick, tick, BOOM! I resisted the urge to whip out a black Sharpie and scrawl ' **TNT** ' on her forehead.

Before I could finish watching the current episode of _The Amy and Ian Show_ , though, the boring driver, John, said, "Everyone out. We're here."

Ian flinched. Can't take even a teeny tiny bit of un-formalness, huh? Hehe…

I stepped out of the limo to take a look at the (very extravagant) mansion. I felt like it was missing a banner that read ' _Home of the Evil Cobras'_ plastered on the front. Wait…this was _Nataliya's_ mansion, and _she_ was nice…so it should actually be, ' _Home of Two Evil Cobras and One Extremely Nice Rich Russian Princess'_. Um…Duchess. Or was it Princess?

"How do you like it, honey?" Ian smirked (again). "I ordered all those red roses over there just for you."

Ew. How cheesy can they get? At this point, I would probably hug Natalie if she came out right now.

She came out right now. The devil comes when you speak of (well, think of) them. And guess what? I hugged her. It was just…an instinct, I guess, after being stuck with the lovebirds for so long.

"EW, DANIEL! OFF!" Natalie screamed. "THIS IS PRADA!"

"Calm down, Natalie," Ian spoke quietly (at least compared to his shrieking sister).

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! I HAVE PEASANT COOTIES ON MY DRESS NOW!" She howled like a five-year-old throwing a tantrum. Sheesh. Like, way to be mature.

"Well, _gee_ ," I said. "I just had the instinct to hug you after being stuck with these hopeless romantics for hours."

I expected her to start wailing again about her thousand-dollar dress. But instead, she said, "…oh."

Wait, what? Natalie Cobra, reacting like _this?_ Am I in a sort of nightmare where I'm forced to visit them?

I must have looked shocked, because Natalie scowled, "You look like a feral pig with that expression, Daniel. Do me a favor and go back to your usual expression of looking like a helpless orphan."

I scowled back. "You look like a homeless witch who lives in the dumpster with that expression, Nat. Do me a favor and go back to your usual expression of looking like a crazed lunatic."

She bit her lip. Hard. And were those… _tears?_ Uh-oh. What did I say…?

Amy whispered in my ear, "Her mom." _Ohhhh._ I might have been a bit careless with my word choices.

I actually felt bad for Natalie, which is saying a _lot_ , since she tried to kill me and Amy, like, a bazillion times. But it wasn't really her fault that her mom Isabel was absolutely _mad_. And both definitions of mad, too. Mad as in crazy, and mad as in angry.

"Ah…let's go back to the dining area." Ian tried to break the tension. I nodded and we all mutely followed Ian to the dining room. The only sounds were Natalie's sniffles.

I glanced at the dinner table as we took our places. The forks, knives, plates, and all that stuff was set already. Each plate had a placard on it. I read: _Amy_ , _Ian_ , _Dan_ , _Natalie_ , _Bertha_ , and _Nataliya_. No _Fiske_ , no _Nellie_. Where were they?

Now that I think of it…they weren't with us when Natalie started crying. They weren't there when I hugged her (I don't really want to think of that though…ugh). I think they were there in the car with us, though…

I forgot all of my Fiske/Nellie problems as soon as the waiters served the food. It. Was. DELICIOUS!

I tried all kinds of food. Some orange stuff here, some green stuff there. I didn't even bother to check if the food was poisoned…(*shudder shudder*) I _definitely_ should've checked. Because by the time I had finished a plate of some lumpy purple things, I had passed out.

 **Once again, thank you to everyone who supported me. I'm sorry for not updating sooner TT. I will try updating once a week from now on. Thanks everyone!**

 **\- Natalie**


	5. AN

A/N: Hello dear readers, now, I know my excuses suck, but I'm REALLY really sorry for not updating in such a long time!

My excuses:  
1) I had to practice lots of piano because I'm going to Carnegie Hall in New York to perform soon! Yay! (But more practicing…)  
2) I'm currently in the middle of taking the annual state performance test for the school year. Each test lasts about 4 hours long and I have to study and take the tests for 3 subjects.  
3) I recently started chess class, so, well, one more thing to add to my busy schedule I guess…  
4) My teachers have been on overload giving projects. I have about 3 projects per week.

I'm really sorry about not updating, and I know my excuses were bad, but sorry! I will try to update in a week, but it really depends on how things go.

Also, a special thank you to all my readers. Thanks so much!

\- Natalie


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